Asthma in Summer: Family Vacation at Virginia Beach

by Dana Roeser — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 08:01:54 +0000

        The oppressive night
like a blanket. Layers
        of wetness on
my bronchial tubes, my
        limbs; my
husband’s body
        on top of me. I
want to walk out, to the bay,
        the ocean, to a
mountain, to a place of
        stars.
                 In my dream,
men keep women’s
        selves,
women’s souls, in
        little jars along
the mantel, and it makes it so
        much easier. Then
the women hold the broom,
        the fork, but
not the knife. At Kokoro,
        the Japanese chef
tosses it in the air—and
        catches it.
                 My children.
The sticking point.
        I remember their
babyhoods in this little
        house. Each cried to
be let into my bed. Tonight,
        the older one came
to sleep with me. Her
        sunburn hurt. I held
her hand, then gripped
        my rosary, praying.
How will I sleep? Wanting
        to walk out
as I do, the dinners,
        the nights out,
the purple pedicure. These will
        prevent the questions.

Where does the energy
        come from? The
longest earthworm, five feet, in
        Australia, may be
energized by alluvial ooze. But
        who knows how long
it languishes under there
        waiting for a
sea change, a change in
        the upper weather
so it can come out, move
        under the sky? A
woman found it. She dug
        for a year. She
knew it was down
        there.
                 Dinners, lunches,
clothes, cappuccinos. Search
        if you want, but don’t
find it. … I gasp for air. I
        search for that
hard, bright thing at
        night. Walking
the dog, I see my stooped
        shadow in the
streetlight—so
        like my father’s.
Or jogging
        in daylight—the
hat, the lurching legs. I drive
        up to a gas station—
what a relief, a
        long blue sign with
white letters, “Self”—available
        at the pumps. Little
selves, little yellow-winged
        souls, fly around, close
enough to pull from
        the air. I rest
there, holding the nozzle,
        guiding it into
the gas tank, the hole.

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Asthma in Summer: Family Vacation at Virginia Beach